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Posts Tagged ‘woman’

In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs.Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you”

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones. Do you know the defence attorney?” She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very Quiet voice, said, “If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt”.

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A woman had 3 girls. One day she decides to test her sons-in-law. She invites the first one for a stroll by the lakeshore, purposely falls in and pretends to be drowning. Without any hesitation, the son-in-law
jumps in and saves her.

The next morning, he finds a brand new Toyota car in his driveway with this message on the windshield…

“Thank you! Your mother-in-law who loves you!”

A few days later, the lady does the same thing with the second son-in-law. He jumps in the water and saves her also. She offers him a new Honda car with the same message on the windshield…

“Thank you!
Your mother-in-law who loves you!”

A few days later, she does the same thing again with the third son-in-law. While she is drowning, the son-in-law looks at her without moving an inch and thinks:

“Finally! It’s about time that this old witch dies!

The next morning, he receives a brand new Ferrari car with this message…

“THANK YOU!
Your father-in-law.”

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A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited..

And she said…

“Then get up and take it yourself!”

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An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down…….”

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1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage – Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage – Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER – Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend – You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend – You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness – Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

12. A woman in a diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of will-power, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. “He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!”
13. A HUSBAND COMES FROM CHURCH, HE GREETED HIS WIFE AND LIFTED HER UP. HE CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE. THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED “DID THE PASTOR PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC”?
THE HUSBAND SAID, “NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS”.

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A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit
the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly
stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

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“U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry
becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved
becomes the password
of ur mail id”

There’s only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There’s only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.

If someone says u r ugly, its ok, if someone says u r stupid, its ok.
If someone says u r genius slap him as tight as you can n say there is a limit of kidding n u r now crossing the limit.

Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects…

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other
kidney.

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.

What’s the diff between Dava &d Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.

Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife Be-Gum ho jaat hai.

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut

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[1]

Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”

“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?”

“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”

[2]

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

[3]

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

“Yes, of course…”

“Great! I never could before!”

[4]

Man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

[5]

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

[6]

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill.
After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

“10…” says the doctor.

“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

“10…9…8…7…”

[7]

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

[8]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.

“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Wow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.

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Mother-in-law
INDIA – A woman capable of making your life miserable.

OVERSEAS – A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?

Husband
INDIA – A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.

OVERSEAS – Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.

Friend
INDIA – A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you’ll always be welcome.

OVERSEAS – A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.

Wife
INDIA – A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.

OVERSEAS – A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.

Son
INDIA – A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.

OVERSEAS – A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.

Daughter
INDIA – A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.

OVERSEAS – A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.

Father
INDIA – A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed .

OVERSEAS – A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.

Indian Engineer
INDIA – A person with a respectable job and earning lots.

OVERSEAS – A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.

Doctor
INDIA – A respectable person with OK income.

OVERSEAS – A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called “doctor’s wife”.

Bhangra
INDIA – A vigorous Punjabi festival dance.

OVERSEAS – A dance you do, when you don’t know how to dance.

Software Engineer
INDIA – A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.

OVERSEAS – The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says ‘This is my last year in the US (or wherever) every year.

A Green Card holder bachelor
INDIA – the guy can’t speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.

OVERSEAS – the guy can’t speak proper English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning

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Many often make the mistake of choosing the wrong profession for themselves. But these guys take the cake! Here is a countdown to some of the world’s dumbest thieves.

RUNNER-UP #7
Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son’s Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog’s ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.

RUNNER-UP #6
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

RUNNER-UP #5
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

RUNNER-UP #4
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America

RUNNER-UP #3
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture…of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

RUNNER-UP #2
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

RUNNER-UP #1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

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