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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

–North Indian–

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching “Kyonki saas bi kabi bahu thi” that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8. You are a very “ESpecial” person to her.

9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.

10. When she says she is going to “work out” she means she is going to “walk out”

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are “Thank you” and “How are you”

13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.

–South-Indian–

Her mother looks down at you because you didn’t study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .

Her father starts or ends every conversation with ” … I say…”

She shudders if you use four letter words.

She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided

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An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down…….”

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1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage – Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage – Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER – Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend – You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend – You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness – Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

12. A woman in a diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of will-power, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. “He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!”
13. A HUSBAND COMES FROM CHURCH, HE GREETED HIS WIFE AND LIFTED HER UP. HE CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE. THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED “DID THE PASTOR PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC”?
THE HUSBAND SAID, “NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS”.

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Mother-in-law
INDIA – A woman capable of making your life miserable.

OVERSEAS – A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?

Husband
INDIA – A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.

OVERSEAS – Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.

Friend
INDIA – A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you’ll always be welcome.

OVERSEAS – A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.

Wife
INDIA – A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.

OVERSEAS – A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.

Son
INDIA – A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.

OVERSEAS – A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.

Daughter
INDIA – A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.

OVERSEAS – A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.

Father
INDIA – A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed .

OVERSEAS – A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.

Indian Engineer
INDIA – A person with a respectable job and earning lots.

OVERSEAS – A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.

Doctor
INDIA – A respectable person with OK income.

OVERSEAS – A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called “doctor’s wife”.

Bhangra
INDIA – A vigorous Punjabi festival dance.

OVERSEAS – A dance you do, when you don’t know how to dance.

Software Engineer
INDIA – A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.

OVERSEAS – The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says ‘This is my last year in the US (or wherever) every year.

A Green Card holder bachelor
INDIA – the guy can’t speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.

OVERSEAS – the guy can’t speak proper English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.

“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”

“You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

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1. Women are unpredictable.

Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her.

They got married – and now he is going through hell.

3. A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds : “Wife wanted”.
Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : “You can have mine.”

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It’s easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some Kidnappers. The letter said, ” if you don’t promised to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife.”
The poor man wrote back, ” I am afraid I can’t keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours.”
First God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

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Wife : Honey …… What are you looking for ?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing…?? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!

Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

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After engagement : Superman
After Marriage : Gentleman
After 10 years : Watchman
After 20 years : Doberman

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A woman worries about her future until she gets a husband…

A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.

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