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Posts Tagged ‘india’

–North Indian–

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching “Kyonki saas bi kabi bahu thi” that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8. You are a very “ESpecial” person to her.

9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.

10. When she says she is going to “work out” she means she is going to “walk out”

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are “Thank you” and “How are you”

13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.

–South-Indian–

Her mother looks down at you because you didn’t study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .

Her father starts or ends every conversation with ” … I say…”

She shudders if you use four letter words.

She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided

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Mother-in-law
INDIA – A woman capable of making your life miserable.

OVERSEAS – A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?

Husband
INDIA – A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.

OVERSEAS – Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.

Friend
INDIA – A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you’ll always be welcome.

OVERSEAS – A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.

Wife
INDIA – A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.

OVERSEAS – A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.

Son
INDIA – A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.

OVERSEAS – A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.

Daughter
INDIA – A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.

OVERSEAS – A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.

Father
INDIA – A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed .

OVERSEAS – A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.

Indian Engineer
INDIA – A person with a respectable job and earning lots.

OVERSEAS – A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.

Doctor
INDIA – A respectable person with OK income.

OVERSEAS – A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called “doctor’s wife”.

Bhangra
INDIA – A vigorous Punjabi festival dance.

OVERSEAS – A dance you do, when you don’t know how to dance.

Software Engineer
INDIA – A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.

OVERSEAS – The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says ‘This is my last year in the US (or wherever) every year.

A Green Card holder bachelor
INDIA – the guy can’t speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.

OVERSEAS – the guy can’t speak proper English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning

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One Hand On Steering Wheel,
One Hand Out Of Window…

You Are in SYDNEY …

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One Hand On Steering Wheel,
One Hand On Horn…

You Are in JAPAN …

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One Hand On Steering Wheel,
One Hand On Newspaper,
Foot Solidly On Accelerator…

You Are in BOSTON …

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Both Hands On Steering Wheel,
Eyes Shut,
Both Feet On Brake,
Quivering In Terror

You Are in NEW YORK …

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Both Hands In Air,
Gesturing,
Both Feet On Accelerator,
Head Turned To Talk To Someone In Back Seat…

You Are in ITALY …

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One Hand On Horn,
One Hand On Holding Gear,
One Ear Listening To Loud Music,
One Ear On Cell Phone,
One Foot On Accelerator,
One Foot On Clutch,
Nothing On Break,
Eyes On Females In Next Car,

WELCOME To INDIA

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Sardar, his wife and their son were returning from south India by train. The sardar was occupying the lower berth, his wife, the middle berth and his son the topmost berth in the train compartment. The train stopped at one of the stations on the way back and the son asked Laloo to buy him a Cadbury’s chocolate.

When sardar and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn’t understand Hindi had occupied his son’s berth.

Upset and angry, sardar called the Ticket checker & asked him to help.

The Ticket checker said that he could not understand Hindi so it would be nice if he explained the whole situation to him in English. The sardar explained,

“That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth (berth) to my child!”

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Wash Basin

A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, “Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?” To this the man replies, “Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai “Wash Basin”.

Bihari-Sardar

A Bihari was waiting for his bus at the bus stop. Finally the bus arrives and he gets in. The bus is fully loaded with sardarjis. One sardarji orders Bihari to tell a joke. Now, the Bihari thinks he’s in big trouble because he knows only sardar jokes! After thinking for some time he decides to substitute all references to ’sardars’ in his joke with ‘Biharis’. He starts the jokes with, “There was once a Bihari…” And suddenly he gets a major blow on his back from one of the sardarjis who shouts, “Kyon be! Sab sardar mar gaye hai kya?”

Photocopies

What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies? He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

Free Punjab

There was a meeting of all the Sardar freedom fighters. They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, “Oh…we’ll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?” That was a tough one indeed.

Banta Singh had a brainwave… “No problem! We’ll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would become a State of USA and develop automatically.” All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd was not. Someone asked him why he wasn’t happy. The old surd replied, “THAT’S ALL VERY WELL… WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???”

Suicide

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and takes along some wine and chicken with him.
Somebody stops him and asks, “Kyon bhai ye sab kyun leke baithe ho?” Sardarji replies, “Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun..”

Donkey

Having lost his donkey Sardarji, got down to his knees and thanked God. A passerby saw this and asked,
“Your donkey is missing. What are you thanking God for?” Sardarji replied, “I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn’t riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too.”

Bet On Highlights

Santa told Banta, “I bet that India would win against Pakistan and lost Rs 1,000.” Banta exclaimed: “Yaar, you bet Rs 1,000 for a single match?”
Santa replied: “Nahi yaar, I bet Rs 500 on that match.”
Banta asked: “So, what happened to the other Rs 500?”
Santa repied: “Chad yaar, I bet on the highlights too.”

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An Indian man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only dark skinned man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said, “Colored people are not allowed here.”

The Indian man turned around and stood up.
He then said: “Listen sir, when I was born I was brown, when I grew up I was brown, when I’m sick I’m brown, when I go in the sun I’m brown, when I’m cold I’m brown, when I die I’ll be brown.

“But you sir, when you’re born you’re pink, when you grow up you’re white, when you’re sick, you’re green, when you go in the sun you turn red, when you’re cold you turn blue, and when you die you turn purple. And you have the nerve to call me coloured?”

The Indian man then sat back down and the white man walked away…

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An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, the Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and…

PROF: So you believe in God?
STUDENT : Absolutely, sir.

PROF: Is God good?
STUDENT : Sure.

PROF: Is God all-powerful?
STUDENT : Yes.

PROF: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn’t. How is this God good then? Hmm?
(Student is silent.)

PROF: You can’t answer, can you? Let’s start again, young fella. is God good?
STUDENT : Yes.

PROF : Is Satan good?
STUDENT : No.

PROF : Where does Satan come from?
STUDENT : From…God…

PROF : That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
STUDENT : Yes.

PROF : Evil is everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything. Correct?
STUDENT : Yes.

PROF : So who created evil?
(Student does not answer.)

PROF : Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
STUDENT : Yes, sir.

PROF: So, who created them?
(Student has no answer.)

PROF: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son…Have you ever seen God?
STUDENT : No, sir.

PROF: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
STUDENT : No, sir.

PROF: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
STUDENT : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

PROF: Yet you still believe in Him?
STUDENT : Yes.

PROF: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
STUDENT : Nothing. I only have my faith.

PROF: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

STUDENT : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
PROF: Yes.

STUDENT : And is there such a thing as cold?
PROF: Yes.

STUDENT : No sir. There isn’t.
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
STUDENT : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

STUDENT : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
PROF : Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?STUDENT : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light….But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it’s called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

PROF: So what is the point you are making, young man?
STUDENT : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

PROF: Flawed? Can you explain how?
STUDENT : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one to view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it.

Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
PROF: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

STUDENT : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?
STUDENT : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?
(The class breaks out into laughter.)

STUDENT : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. with all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

PROF: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.
STUDENT : That is it sir… The link between man & God is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

NOTE: This is a true story, and the student was none other than Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam, the ex-president of India.

(from his college life)

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After 48 years of marriage, an elderly Sindhi man in Bombay calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day son, but I ave to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of misery is enough!”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls Bombay immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??” and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay”, he says, “It’s all set. They’re both coming for Diwali and paying their own airfare!!”

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Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at an MNC office in Amritsar.
Reddy from Hyderabad applied for the same job and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department Manager.

Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Santa and said,
“Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to Reddy”.

Santa:
“And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. Thus, being Punjab I should get the job!”

Manager:
“We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong.”

Santa:
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

Manager:
“Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down ‘I don’t know’ as the answer, and you wrote ‘Neither do I’!”

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