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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Granny who knew too much..

In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs.Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you”

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones. Do you know the defence attorney?” She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very Quiet voice, said, “If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt”.

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North Indian Vs South Indian Girlfriend

–North Indian–

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching “Kyonki saas bi kabi bahu thi” that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8. You are a very “ESpecial” person to her.

9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.

10. When she says she is going to “work out” she means she is going to “walk out”

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are “Thank you” and “How are you”

13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.

–South-Indian–

Her mother looks down at you because you didn’t study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .

Her father starts or ends every conversation with ” … I say…”

She shudders if you use four letter words.

She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided

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40 ways to annoy people

  1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  2. Ask people what gender they are.
  3. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
  5. If you have a glass, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  6. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
  7. Blow your nose when some one is eating.
  8. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “eat away your food ” !
  9. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  10. Name your dog “Dog.”
  11. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”

    12. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace.”

  12. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
  13. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  14. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
  15. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
  16. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  17. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  18. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
  19. Drum on every available surface.
  20. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  21. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
  22. Set alarms for random times.
  23. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  24. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  25. only type in lowercase.
  26. dont use any punctuation either
  27. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
  28. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
  29. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
  30. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  31. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
  32. Wear a LOT of cologne.
  33. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
  34. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
  35. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
  36. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
  37. Never make eye contact.
  38. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
  39. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

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Logically..

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

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Corporate’-ism’

INFOSYSism
You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.

PATNIism
You have 10 cows. You make them work so that they give milk of 100 cows.

WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

DELLism
Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow’s milk.

IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn’t give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don’t know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism
You don’t have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world’s thinnest milk.

CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2…stay on line if you’d like our customer care to milk it for you.

HPism
You don’t know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only.

GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that’s his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism
You don’t yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

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Mother-in-law

A woman had 3 girls. One day she decides to test her sons-in-law. She invites the first one for a stroll by the lakeshore, purposely falls in and pretends to be drowning. Without any hesitation, the son-in-law
jumps in and saves her.

The next morning, he finds a brand new Toyota car in his driveway with this message on the windshield…

“Thank you! Your mother-in-law who loves you!”

A few days later, the lady does the same thing with the second son-in-law. He jumps in the water and saves her also. She offers him a new Honda car with the same message on the windshield…

“Thank you!
Your mother-in-law who loves you!”

A few days later, she does the same thing again with the third son-in-law. While she is drowning, the son-in-law looks at her without moving an inch and thinks:

“Finally! It’s about time that this old witch dies!

The next morning, he receives a brand new Ferrari car with this message…

“THANK YOU!
Your father-in-law.”

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Funda about drinking

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their d reams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ”
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up… reading.”
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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The 1st Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first
time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

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Careful while chatting..

Our friend was chatting with a female – Online chat.
Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC’s.

Hero : Hey…GM (Good Morning)… How’s u doing today?

Female: VGM…Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero : wow…am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep…me too feel the same…Brb (be right back)’ll get some Coffee.

Hero : OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)

Manager : Hey, I need some help from you

Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me

Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n.
Would you give this by today evening?

Hero : I would do that, but I think it’s quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All
of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window…)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he’s kinda….. keeps asking stupid things,
tries to give me stupid work

Female: Yeah, it’s the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero : Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would
you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it’s real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero : hey, that’s a one-hour’s work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. ok?

Female: This is what I asked you when I came to your work place!! Now you know who I am!
And one more thing…. YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!

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Smart Kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “I’ve done that 6 times over, but that kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

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